The Decision to Create

I am here for you, I am here with you. I want to help because I believe together we can alleviate your pain, your suffering, your discomfort, your despair, your confusion, your apathy, your cynicism. I have experienced all of these things and sometimes still do, and it is my knowledge of what is true that helps me move past it, helps me process it in a way that I come out on the other side better than before.

I’ve spoken a lot about truth, love, freedom, and connection. I’ve also written a lot about these subjects. I’ve been at it pretty regularly for the past six plus years and because of that I often find myself becoming discouraged. I often find that I see connotations in the words themselves, and when I say them they don’t carry the same weight they once did. When I first realized what I realized about the truth I became so one-pointed, I thought of no other purpose than to share what I had seen and came to know. But over time, sharing it with some who didn’t resonate with it, or trying to write something substantial about it, it all started to become repetitive and seem emptier to me. But not even necessarily to me, as had been my habit my whole life, I would imagine what other people would think of it and I would think that others would think it’s repetitive or empty and that is what would halt the inspiration. This wasn’t all the time, actually it was quite rare. In fact most of the time I would truly feel it and truly believe it and I would speak it or write it straight from the heart and I would feel aligned and connected with that purpose once again, I would feel connected with everything and everyone.

For the past six years I have basically been practicing how to share what I know, practicing in writing and practicing in conversation, all the while in the back of my head hoping that someone would notice or something would happen that would immediately elevate me to the next level where I could make that my life and no longer have to depend on jobs and tasks that require me to do things that don’t fully resonate with what I saw my purpose to be. I was depending on the ideas of the ‘law of attraction’ let’s say. Thinking that if I continue to visualize myself as a sharer or truth then I will become only that. But what happened was that I never actually became diligent about that aspect of it, I never practiced for extended periods of time putting myself in a state of mind where this was true, I just kind of starting expecting it to happen, and at the same time still working these jobs, and doing these things that dominated my consciousness in some way. Then I would reach points where I would wonder why it hasn’t happened yet, why do I still find myself in situations where it seems I’m not moving in the right direction. And I know the answers to this, as I just said it was because I never made it my life, I never chose to create it, I was waiting for someone or something to create it for me. I still remained a sharer of truth in my personal life, the majority of relationships I had and I still have reflect this very much and it is what gives me a lot of my fuel. But I still sometimes had the mentality that I’m just doing whatever job it was for now and soon it will change. I’m just doing what is necessary for me to get to that next point, which is true, I have no regrets, I want to make that clear. But that mentality that somehow it would all be created for me is what kept me from creating it myself.

But everything I did was necessary, it was necessary for me to see all of this, and know that it is now time for me to take control, to take risk, to choose to create. Rather than just allowing whatever was happening to happen and practicing being okay with anything that did happen. It made for a peaceful life, I was in many ways living what I knew to be the most ideal state, a state where I am at peace with everything, in the words of Aldous Huxley, I was experiencing a “Holy Indifference”. And I am in no way saying that that was wrong, in fact, I still believe that to be necessary, or rather, what’s most reflective of our true nature, but I understand now that in order to be something sometimes you must first not be it. In order to create a situation where I can comfortably be holy indifferent, I need to put my will into action in a way that creates a more comfortable situation for myself and that situation will be one that is me facilitating a more comfortable situation for ALL.

When I first realized the truth, I saw the appeal behind that of a yogi’s or a guru’s life, where they simply be and those around them come to them for advice or help, they do no not need to try to do anything. I saw how that was possible and that became my ideal. And it became my reality as well, I was living without desire and there were some who were coming to me for those very reasons. But the more I recognized the truth behind living without desire and becoming accepting of all that is the more I found myself waiting for the world to change. Whether I wanted it or not I began to develop the desire more and more to alleviate suffering, to liberate everyone from the prison of their own minds. I am not saying definitively here and now that I will abandon holy indifference and choose to work only towards everyone’s liberation because I understand that I am an every-changing state, not a static being with one purpose. But I do choose from here on to present myself as someone who has the desire to liberate others, who has a desire to find freedom for myself through the freedom for all.

I have had reluctance about doing something like that because I was concerned that I would be viewed in a way that wasn’t respected, and I fully recognize how that started early in my life, the desire to be respected. But after looking deeply at that desire I realize it started because it has always been the same, I wanted to make an impact and in order to make the biggest impact I must be relatable to the most people, and in order to do that I must refrain from saying things that would have people dismiss me outright because of some belief they see me to have that might not seem logical or rational to them. As I said, I have been at this for years, trying to find a way to present what I know that would be acceptable to all and that simply will not happen so I must let go. And I know I’ve thought all this, said all this, and wrote all this before, but it is necessary that I continue to remind myself because this pattern of thought and desire was very well established in this consciousness to the point that it continues to reoccur beyond my immediate awareness. So by forcing myself to do some things that would push beyond this conditioned limitation it will eventually take away all of its power.

I have been taking this more intentioned path for some weeks now and it has given me much excitement and joy, but with that came the attachment, this was shown to me very prominently when I asked for something and was denied, and immediately felt a strong consistent disappointment. It made me think that if I am to embark on this intentional path that I will become attached and thus disappointed. The challenge I saw myself with was to intend on what I want and yet hold no attachment to the outcome. As is the challenge with creating itself. Which I choose to now begin.