Feb 15, 2021

So recently I was watching a tv show and there was a quote by one of the characters that got me thinking. She said “love is just a transitory chemical feeling that is not worth losing your career over”, and I can remember having this exact same attitude. Perhaps not specifically in reference to the losing your career part, but I did mentally reduce the experience of love to that of just a “transitory chemical feeling”. So I decided I wanted to talk about why I thought that way, what I think now, what love really is, and also some common misconceptions about it.

I think most would agree that love is the ultimate feeling. Whether it be romantic love, familial love, friendly love, self love, or spiritual love, when we experience love with each other or ourselves we feel whole and free, we feel accepted, understood, and appreciated. You could say that love or the fear of not having it is the underlying motivation behind all of our decisions. So how is it that I and many others were able to view it as simply just a chemical reaction, implying that it is some sort of illusion, an intangible fleeting experience?

Speaking for myself, I lost respect for what people called love when I was a teenager. I never was someone who had a desire for that Disney fairy tale type love but I still believed in it in general and I thought one day I would have it. But in Junior high I got my heart broken and I started to look at love differently. I started to distance myself from it subconsciously because I didn’t want to be hurt again. Now I wasn’t aware of this at the time but looking back at it now that is definitely what was going on. But during all that since I changed my lens on it I used to see people who fell head over heels in love with someone as foolish because I was a man of logic and rationality and love did not seem logic or rational to me. I saw people do really stupid and selfish things because of love and even what I considered to be evil things.

So when I learned the biochemistry of it, that the experience of love is just a flood of “happy hormones”, such as oxytocin, dopamine, or serotonin, I started to disregard it as basically just an illusion. And this idea was only solidified by how people could fall in and out of love so easily. This just made think that it wasn’t real in a sense, it wasn’t something we could depend on. So it became the least of my priorities.

In high school however I had developed friendships that were so strong and so loving that it gave me a totally new idea on what love could be. I started to realize that this idea that was sold to me by society that love is limited and that the truest form was only that with a single other person wasn’t accurate because I felt true love for many people in my life, none of whom were a significant other. I deduced that there was no real difference between love with a romantic partner and that of your friend or family member. The connection, the feeling of being accepted and wanted was the same, the only difference was degrees at which you experience it and the activities you partook in with the person you loved. Some may think that the sexual union you have with another is the ultimate form but that just begs the question ‘can someone who doesn’t have the ability or the parts even to copulate not have the ability to experience true love?’ Of course not. Because love is not only possible through romance. It is a state of being that goes way beyond just a sexual connection.

The kind of love I believed in was the feeling of it but I felt as if I could back up that feeling with logical reasons for it. But it was this kind of mentality of weighing the positive effects on a relationship I had to justify my love for someone that began to tarnish the very meaning of it. I thought that one should be able to give practical reasons for loving someone and this thinking in a way caused me to see everyone as either worthy or unworthy of my love depending on their behaviour or characteristics. Over time I started to see that the way I was viewing love was like seeing someone as a commodity, seeing them only in terms of what they could provide for me. I loved people because they were dependable, someone I could always turn to, I loved them because they made me feel good about myself, I loved them because they made me laugh a lot, I loved them because they were kind to me and would do anything I asked. So when I asked myself if those people could no longer provide those things for me, would I still love them, often times the answer was no. I wasn’t loving the other person, I was loving what they could do for me, what they could be for me. I noticed later that this kind of love is basically how a lot of people see it. They see others as potential sources for love and it is their personal preferences that dictate whether or not that source is a good one or a bad one.

All of this eventually lead me to the truth about love.

That Love is the feeling of connection. It is the sensation we experience when we fundamentally believe that we are connected to something beyond ourself.

We all feel love in varying degrees depending on how we view ourselves in relation to it. Pure love, the truest form is like white light, and that comes in many forms when shined through a prism, light breaks into separate colours, the same way love breaks into separate kinds of love including romantic love, familial love, friendly love, self love, spiritual love, and love for experiences, events, and things. It is when we attach ourselves to one of these colours and believe it to be the only kind of love that we separate ourselves from the source and the love then becomes limited and we feel and act as if we need to harness it or cultivate it so we can never be without it. But in reality we ARE never without it. That pure light that IS love is our essence, it is our natural state of being, it is the energy that builds us. You’ll often hear people talk about how after they lost everything and hit rock bottom they were able to actually find love within themselves. This happens because they stop looking outward for it and subsequently realize it had been within them the entire time. It is the very action of clinging to love and trying to hoard it for oneself that we end up cutting ourselves off from the source and believing in its limitation.

It is easy to believe that we can only experience love when we share it with someone else and when that someone returns it to us. But this belief is based on the misconception that love is a feeling that only exists between two or more people, that it is borne of the connection between the two. This comes from the idea that we are somewhat fragmented when we are born, that we are not whole and in order to experience wholeness we must connect to another. This is patently false, because we are never actually truly disconnected from anyone else. We are all tethered together by this tapestry of energy that exists within all matter. And this energy being infinite provides every living being with the commensurate amount of love to experience it forever and always. It is but a joy and our gift that we GET to share it, and experience it with another. It is a bonus of living a conscious experience to feel what it is like to be in love with another while simultaneously being in love with the Self. But by no means are we limited when we are not actively sharing our love with someone else. In a way our love is even more pure when we are in the understanding that we are all one being and that there isn’t any separation between us and another. Love for someone else is merely a vehicle to bring us back to our natural state of pure love within the self and the recognition that the self is everyone and every thing. What happens when we are in the state of being “in love” is that we love, admire, cherish, or even worship another person so much so that if that person loves us back then we give ourselves permission to feel the infinite source of love within ourselves, but I am here to say that that love of another is not a prerequisite for feeling this. We can practice a life of self love so that we can always be in love regardless of who loves us back. But it just so happens that when we find this love within ourselves we begin to attract love from others. And it is an ongoing cycle.

In order to have true everlasting love one must recognize that love comes from within and not from without. We can experience fragmented love given certain circumstances but those experiences are accompanied by a desire to obtain more of it or a fear of losing it. This is not the truest form of love, love in itself is infinite. The same way a mother loves her child, true love is unconditional. We can experience the fragmented version but if we truly want everlasting love then we have to see that it is not the other that provides it but the recognition of who and what we are. And in that recognition we can choose to share our love with another, to choose to connect our equally infinite sources and this experience is beyond any earthly material love between subject and object that could ever be known. Because Love ultimately is not a subject/object relationship, it is not I love him, or she loves me, it is I AM love, he IS love, we ARE love. We are in love, it is a state of being, it is what we feel when we fully accept ourselves and everyone else for who and what they are. It is our natural state of being. The only reason we don’t all feel it all the time is because we’ve come to believe lies of separation and love being limited and conditional. This is not to say that everyone must immediately understand love at this level and disregard all subject/object love that we experience, but rather see subject/object love as a stepping stone to one day loving ourselves fully and in turn loving everyone and everything else. Love is a feeling, a state of consciousness that allows us to transcend the lower, denser, heavier vibrational thoughts of fear, guilt, shame, unworthiness and ultimately separation.

Dec 12, 2019

I am here for you, I am here with you. I want to help because I believe together we can alleviate your pain, your suffering, your discomfort, your despair, your confusion, your apathy, your cynicism. I have experienced all of these things and sometimes still do, and it is my knowledge of what is true that helps me move past it, helps me process it in a way that I come out on the other side better than before.

I’ve spoken a lot about truth, love, freedom, and connection. I’ve also written a lot about these subjects. I’ve been at it pretty regularly for the past six plus years and because of that I often find myself becoming discouraged. I often find that I see connotations in the words themselves, and when I say them they don’t carry the same weight they once did. When I first realized what I realized about the truth I became so one-pointed, I thought of no other purpose than to share what I had saw and came to know. But over time, sharing it with some who didn’t resonate with it, or trying to write something substantial about it, it all started to become repetitive and seem emptier to me. But not even necessarily to me, as had been my habit my whole life, I would imagine what other people would think of it and I would think that others would think it’s repetitive or empty and that is what would halt the inspiration. This wasn’t all the time, actually it was quite rare. In fact most of the time I would truly feel it and truly believe it and I would speak it or write it straight from the heart and I would feel aligned and connected with that purpose once again, I would feel connected with everything and everyone.

For the past six years I have basically been practicing how to share what I know, practicing in writing and practicing in conversation, all the while in the back of my head hoping that someone would notice or something would happen that would immediately elevate me to the next level where I could make that my life and no longer have to depend on jobs and tasks that require me to do things that don’t fully resonate with what I saw my purpose to be. I was depending on the ideas of the ‘law of attraction’ let’s say. Thinking that if I continue to visualize myself as a sharer or truth then I will become only that. But what happened was that I never actually became diligent about that aspect of it, I never practiced for extended periods of time putting myself in a state of mind where this was true, I just kind of starting expecting it to happen, and at the same time still working these jobs, and doing these things that dominated my consciousness in some way. Then I would reach points where I would wonder why it hasn’t happened yet, why do I still find myself in situations where it seems I’m not moving in the right direction. And I know the answers to this, as I just said it was because I never made it my life, I never chose to create it, I was waiting for someone or something to create it for me. I still remained a sharer of truth in my personal life, the majority of relationships I had and I still have reflect this very much and it is what gives me a lot of my fuel. But I still sometimes had the mentality that I’m just doing whatever job it was for now and soon it will change. I’m just doing what is necessary for me to get to that next point, which is true, I have no regrets, I want to make that clear. But that mentality that somehow it would all be created for me is what kept me from creating it myself.

But everything I did was necessary, it was necessary for me to see all of this, and know that it is now time for me to take control, to take risk, to choose to create. Rather than just allowing whatever was happening to happen and practicing being okay with anything that did happen. It made for a peaceful life, I was in many ways living what I knew to be the most ideal state, a state where I am at peace with everything, in the words of Aldous Huxley, I was experiencing a “Holy Indifference”. And I am in no way saying that that was wrong, in fact, I still believe that to be necessary, or rather, what’s most reflective of our true nature, but I understand now that in order to be something sometimes you must first not be it. In order to create a situation where I can comfortably be holy indifferent, I need to put my will into action in a way that creates a more comfortable situation for myself and that situation will be one that is me facilitating a more comfortable situation for ALL.

When I first realized the truth, I saw the appeal behind that of a yogi’s or a guru’s life, where they simply be and those around them come to them for advice or help, they do no not need to try to do anything. I saw how that was possible and that became my ideal. And it became my reality as well, I was living without desire and there were some who were coming to me for those very reasons. But the more I recognized the truth behind living without desire and becoming accepting of all that is the more I found myself waiting for the world to change. Whether I wanted it or not I began to develop the desire more and more to alleviate suffering, to liberate everyone from the prison of their own minds. I am not saying definitively here and now that I will abandon holy indifference and choose to work only towards everyone’s liberation because I understand that I am an every-changing state, not a static being with one purpose. But I do choose from here on to present myself as someone who has the desire to liberate others, who has a desire to find freedom for myself through the freedom for all.

I have had reluctance about doing something like that because I was concerned that I would be viewed in a way that wasn’t respected, and I fully recognize how that started early in my life, the desire to be respected. But after looking deeply at that desire I realize it started because it has always been the same, I wanted to make an impact and in order to make the biggest impact I must be relatable to the most people, and in order to do that I must refrain from saying things that would have people dismiss me outright because of some belief they see me to have that might not seem logical or rational to them. As I said, I have been at this for years, trying to find a way to present what I know that would be acceptable to all and that simply will not happen so I must let go. And I know I’ve thought all this, said all this, and wrote all this before, but it is necessary that I continue to remind myself because this pattern of thought and desire was very well established in this consciousness to the point that it continues to reoccur beyond my immediate awareness. So by forcing myself to do some things that would push beyond this conditioned limitation it will eventually take away all of its power.

I have been taking this more intentioned path for some weeks now and it has given me much excitement and joy, but with that came the attachment, this was shown to me very prominently when I asked for something and was denied, and immediately felt a strong consistent disappointment. It made me think that if I am to embark on this intentional path that I will become attached and thus disappointed. The challenge I saw myself with was to intend on what I want and yet hold no attachment to the outcome. As is the challenge with creating itself. Which I choose to now begin.

Nov 14, 2018

If only there were a way to convey it all at once. If only I could, with words, communicate to you exactly what it is you are, what your true origin or source is. I can employ words and concepts that will provide a loose idea of these concepts but in order for it to be known to the degree of true understanding and an abolition of current beliefs that contradict the sentiment, one must undertake a process of renunciation. Renunciation doesn’t apply solely to the forfeiting of material things but also to the abandonment of all ideas, concepts, and beliefs. A new mind must be recognized, although technically it is not new at all. It just seems new to the one who is of the opposite mind. But when we first arrive in this world we inhabit a state of consciousness that is our natural state, it is only when we begin to understand ideas and hold them in our consciousness as beliefs that we begin to create the real new mind. This mind is of the ego, it holds ideas and defers to them as truth and inevitable. The undisturbed mind and the one that we all come to think of as ourselves are vastly different.

I’ll just start here. For years I’ve wanted to be able to compile all the epiphanies and realizations I’ve had into one book for anyone to read and comprehend to the point of them having the same epiphanies and realizations occur to them. I’ve wanted this because for the majority of my life I’d been thinking. From the earliest days I can remember of my mind thinking to itself to when I was about 25 years old my mind never really stopped, aside from when I slept or intentionally lowered my level of consciousness by way of intoxication. It seems to me now that I had always been thinking because I have always had something to figure out, as if there was some knowledge just out of my reach that would appease my desire for understanding and satisfy my drive to know wholeness, or happiness, or contentment.

Writing about this process doesn’t come easy because the memory of the process that occurred to me doesn’t exactly present itself to me at all times of the day. Perhaps because the process of coming to understand itself was arduous, and unpleasant, and downright torturous at times. I speak now from a place way beyond the consciousness I used to inhabit. And most of the time I can only speak of it from a place of memory, a repetition of a story that I stored in my mind after its inception because of its profundity. I felt it, I experienced it, and I knew what I come to know because of it, but now, as I write, I only remember it, I am not in it in the way I was then. And quite frankly, I can’t be. To know that state of being, to be in it fully one mustn’t engage in any action. Any movement of the body or mind, any direction or focus of any kind, takes away from the overall feeling of wholeness that is that state of mind. I’ve often said that it is technically impossible to write about the truth, well as truthful and as accurately as needed to provide no state of confusion. But despite my own determination, I will still attempt to do exactly that. For the sake of understanding for all. Because although I realized these things many years ago(that it couldn’t be shared accurately only through words), at the same time I understood the necessity of an attempt. For I determined for myself that I hadn’t been living up until that point of epiphany, I had been unconscious, operating on habits and patterns that were instilled in me over a lifetime of experience and interaction with an equally unconscious world. I was driven by emotional delusion despite how much I preached that I didn’t let my emotions control me. I know what it’s like to live a life controlled by false beliefs and subtle emotions that result because of those beliefs. And I also know what it’s like to live according to what I deem to be the True Self. The Self that is not temporary, the only aspect of Self that is permanent. For everything we come to identify with in our lives, that we call ourselves, if analyzed correctly is clearly shown to be transient and even trivial in comparison to what the True Self is.

I feel it is my duty to attempt to share what I’ve known because even the imagination or fantasy of what most would constitute as a “perfect life” pales in comparison to the joy and contentment one feels when all ambitions for that “perfect life” are abandoned. All the desires I harboured as my egoic self, I would gladly forfeit for the knowledge and understanding I now have. I care not for the money, the fame, or the recognition I once desired. I care not for the admiration from the opposite sex or the respect from the same sex that I so strongly craved as my former self. These things are but just that, things. Alone they cannot satisfy any real desire, they only offer a temporary distraction from the ultimate desire: to unite, to reunite, with that which we truly are, our Source and Creator.

Sep 1, 2018

How I understand it

Why do I believe it? Where does my faith come from? How do I know?

I found a place of surrender. Whereas beforehand the thinker was always the doer. That’s the concise version, let’s see if we can unpack that. To understand that place of surrender I imagine a time where I “trusted in God” and let go. In the past when I felt a physical pain in my body that wasn’t necessarily caused by an external force, perhaps something like a pinch in a nerve, or the sensation of a pulled or damaged muscle, I would often recoil, in that I would have an immediate knee jerk reaction which was frequently accompanied by a thought and/or emotion of fear. A characterization of it as damage or as negative. It was an immediate acceptance that I’d been hurt and will remain hurt for an unknown amount of time.

These instances of pain occurred somewhat regularly throughout my life at times when I moved in an unconscious manner, not being aware completely of my body and performing an action that in lacking awareness lacked the control of the muscles involved leading to the injury. Within the first few years of exercising regularly I can recall a time where I was lifting weights above my head and felt something in my upper back/shoulder area. It wasn’t an overwhelming pain so I decided to act in the way in which I was supposed to in that I would push through the pain, so I performed a least one another repetition. I then felt the pain more significantly so I halted the movement and ended my exercise. I then went home and drank the pain away. When I was intoxicated I was moving freely without pain or fear but when I awoke the next morning I couldn’t rotate my neck at all nor sit myself up in bed. I was incapacitated for several days. Over the following five or six years I felt I was always at risk of something like this happening again and it did happen an unknown number of times. The last time I can recall was about two years ago, well the last time it was really bad, because there were many days where I would wake up and find that my shoulder or back had a pain in it that required me to move very slowly and carefully. So this time I woke up with slight pain and when I was cutting vegetables for lunch I moved ever so slightly but not consciously and something shifted or bent or broke and I felt a lot more pain. It wasn’t unbearable as long as I didn’t move swiftly. For the following days I could barely move my head. I had been practicing making every movement a conscious movement up until that point but this injury caused me to take that intention more seriously. Since then I have had many experiences, many occasions where I would feel the same initial twinge but in being completely aware of the movements of my body and holding that idea that nothing had to be bad or negative, I would approach it curiously, I would have a reaction of pleasant surprise as if to respond to an unexpected gift that I was curious to open. It was a conversation, I would think ‘oh what do we have here? How can I help you? What are you about? How can I assist you on your way?’. I felt like the pain had a direction, a trajectory, and if I opened myself to it then I would open a path for it to move throughout my body and find its way out, or find its way back to equilibrium. But when I responded with an ‘oh shit, what is this, this hurts’ then reflexively I would tense a muscle or a tendon and push against the pain’s “path”. In doing so, adding more energy to it and keeping it localized so it can spiral and do more damage.

So this process of acceptance and understanding of the pain started to be available to me more often and more strongly and whenever I felt an initial twinge I would pose the question to myself without words ‘what movement or lack thereof is necessary to appease this twinge?’ and the large majority of the time the answer would be shown to me. As time went on and this skill improved there would still be the odd occasion where my mind would suggest a movement and it would not suffice so there would be another inquiry, ‘what movement should I make now?’ And another attempt would be made while my intention became more focused. An emotion would begin to arise, a drive to accomplish, a determination, and I would make several other attempts. For a while when this would happen I would eventually accept defeat, accept the pain and find a position that was most comfortable, assure myself that it will be okay and then try to rest so my body could do its natural healing, the healing devoid of conscious effort.

Since then a new level had been reached in this process; instead of making the second inquiry, instead of increasing my conscious focused effort and becoming determined to ‘use my skill to heal myself’, I chose to surrender, mentally. And it’s not that that surrender would imply that I would stop the movements, that I would stop trying to facilitate the healing path but “I” stepped out of the way. I let the emotion go, that fierce determination, the identity of doer or actor that comes with ‘I am going to do this’, and the mantra “trust in God” would just occur in my mind. It was as if God was assuring me that 'it will be okay, you don’t need to worry or be scared or even determined about fixing this, just let go, let it be, let it do what it needs to do, be not attached to the outcome, if it heals the pain then that is what it does, and if it adds to the injury then that is what it does, be equally okay with both outcomes’. Now as a result of this, my body has always found the necessary path, the one of least resistance that offers the most relief, but I think it should be said that this isn’t a promise or a guarantee that is to follow after all that was reassured by God. God doesn’t say do all this, let it all go, be not attached to the outcome and THEN it will be healed, that isn’t a promise. That is where the faith comes in, I have to let it all go and just trust that it will do what is best. That is what happens, don’t get me wrong, but in order to experience this phenomenon one must take that leap of faith. One must surrender without being certain that it will heal. Because if you are certain then you attach yourself to it healing. You have to be equally unmoved by whether or not the pain actually subsides, you must be okay with both options. And in order to be okay with both options, one must be okay with pain, and one does this by knowing that even in excruciating pain one will have God’s guidance to make the pain as bearable as possible. Again faith is needed.

Sep 1, 2017

It's been a minute. I've put myself here now what do I want out of this? 'Be not attached to the fruits of your actions'. Ok, so I want nothing out of this. This is simply the action taking place at this time. Before I started I considered writing with the actual intention of speaking to someone, whereas most times as part of the practice I attempt to refrain from writing with a reader in mind. But what if I were to talk directly to you, whoever you may be. If I were to talk to you, could you listen, could you hear? What would I say? What is there to say? What's the truth, what is a truth, that could be said, that could be understood. Well, for one, You're God. Yes, you. Me too. See the thing is that there is no real me or you, we are the same being, experiencing our self from different points of awareness. Different positions. We are the experiencer, if we are anything. You are the omnipotent, all knowing, all understanding awareness that is God. Everything you've known to be God, you are it. All the things you think are you are just in place for you to come to understand so you can understand this particular aspect of God as a whole. God is everything and nothing. All the people, animals, things, places, events; all God. God is the totality of everything that is. He/She/It is no one person, animal, thing, place, or event. It is all of it. It is the energy, the wholeness from that which everything else is created. This entire existence and all of its history before it has led to this understanding that you are it.

I'm seeing this as something that would resonate with those who have already understood this truth, or those who want it to be true. But if you are someone who has never actually considered this idea fully, who has never let themselves believe it because of how preposterous it may seem, then very little of this will resonate. So I come to a point where I feel the need to make sense of it, so it could be understood fully. I come back to a consciousness where I am teaching. Trying to convey a message, since that was what I felt I was supposed to do when I first realized all this for myself. I saw how I was a part of the whole and how I was the whole, and that there was no true separation, and with this realization came a feeling of pure joy, or love. Freedom really. Freedom from feeling, from thought, from anything in particular; but a merging with all that is. Feelings and thoughts are temporary, transient, they have a life cycle. Awareness, or consciousness is that which is permanent. Permanent in the sense that it is infinite, it does go and will go, and has gone on forever. When we consider the statement 'time is an illusion' it is saying that there exists no start or end, only relatively. There was a starting to this particular universe we can observe, a beginning to this galaxy and solar system, a birth of this earth, of its life, of this particular body. All had a beginning and all will have an end, but the process of evolution, of change over time, That remains always.

I could tell you all these things, all the time. But they are just words aren't they? We need to see, to feel, to comprehend how. At our core, at all of our cores we know this fact, that we are it. But we allow things from the very beginning of our creation to get in the way of this fact. We come into this world a pure being of love and we are conditioned to believe that this awareness that we have is temporary and we only get this one and we must adapt to remain as long as possible, even at the expense of other points of awareness just like ourselves. We are bred to believe that we aren't one being and that in order to obtain joy or happiness or completeness that it must come at the expense of another. We are to believe that some people or beings just have it bad, that bad/evil exists and that there's nothing that can be done about it. These kinds of beliefs that we adopt as young children conflict with the truth, that is that evil like everything else is merely an illusion.

Jul 8, 2017

Throughout my days I almost always consistently have in the back of my head the compulsion to write, which is just reflective of my compulsion to share. Share that which I've discovered, or remembered. I'm reaching a point where I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of sharing myself or my life with the world. Making it available. Almost four years ago I came to a point in my life where a major change was necessary. I had been trying to be happy or find happiness virtually my entire existence. My idea of happiness was being in a state of contentment, without fear, without question. Having everything I wanted. I was scared of many things. I was scared of being broke, of having no purpose. I was scared of what others thought of me, especially the people in my life. The people I admired and desired.

I'm seeing a desire in this moment now to change my level of consciousness by ingesting cannabis and observing how I write. I tend to be in a more profound state of freedom on cannabis. I am more capable of writing without purpose which allows for more honest writing. I feel like if each one of has a purpose then my purpose is to share my honesty. I feel like I am to be a speaker, a voice for the knowledge and experience that I've observed so far in this life. My desire is to be without desire and yet I have the desire to free everyone and everything from suffering, from the illusion of separation that causes suffering. I feel like it is the only thing to do, I don't and couldn't feel the contentment or happiness or the lack of fear which I know I am capable of if I am to remain using my awareness to combat my fears. To do things such as work jobs that I am only doing for money and offer no more spiritual or mental benefits. And yet I know that everything I do is perfect, and necessary for me to learn what it is I need to learn, which is everything, there is no knowledge that I reject. I accept and welcome all truths. I am at a point where I feel an impending major change. In the physical realm, mostly regarding how I spend the majority of my time which now is going to a job where I am required to do tasks for an organization that I deem to be obsolete and ideally would be phasing itself out of existence. I know that we can live in a world where the exchange of currency isn't necessary. Where reward for action is the action itself. All action would be holy. I want to contribute to creating a world where everyone is free to express their true selves in whatever form that may be. Given that I have this desire I often experience thoughts and feelings indicating how this could be done. I see countless avenues to achieve this and yet I very rarely seem to attach to one avenue long enough to bring it to fruition. Writing is one I always go back to because it is one that I have been practising since the day I woke up. It is one that I felt charged to carry out from the very first moments of my freedom. I often considered the possibility of becoming a speaker, rather than a writer, someone who uses one's own voice and being to relay the message but that option came with many fears. Fears of how I would be seen and judged, but more prominently how my family and friends would be affected by my choices. So I gravitated much more towards writing because in writing I could remain anonymous. And this option also really appealed to me because I felt that the information I had been given was powerful enough in itself, and to attach it to my face, my personality, or my voice would limit its power. I very quickly realized when I learned the truth that it was not my truth, it was objective. It was the truth that any and all beings have the ability to see. The last thing that I wanted to do was promote myself as a person, I felt I had been sent here or chose to come here with a message and that message needed to be relayed and the more I myself identified with it the more distorted it had the potential to become. Still I write to this day with the possibility in mind that this may be read by many and interpreted in a plethora of different ways but I believe it necessary now to use that possibility as a tool to create. If I didn't imagine anyone ever reading it then what I am writing wouldn't possess the clarity and brevity of a piece of writing that had a reader in mind.

I see a great dualism in my desires, I want to share my message with the world but I want the option of anonymity. I want to be understood, accepted, loved and appreciated; but I want it to be known that I am no more special or deserving of love or acceptance than anyone else. I want all these things and yet I want to be free of wanting. Statements such as that remind me of how the universe is full of paradoxes. To have it all you have to give it all up. I've been to the state of mind or space in mind where wanting doesn't exist, and there is nothing to do. Desire connects us to the material world, to realms heavier in vibration than the infinite where no characteristics or properties exist.

I often write with the intention of writing something that will free me from my current state. The state where I feel it necessary to partake in the competition, of gaining something in relation to someone else losing something. I fantasize about something I created reaching so many people and having such a tremendous impact that I would be boosted up to a level where I am spending my time working on creating a harmonious place to exist for all with the people who have the same objective in mind and too have no interest in themselves or their own personal gains. My personal gains now are synonymous with the gains of all.

I've opened the door to the possibility of creating an online presence, puting out there tidbits of knowledge and wisdom for anyone to read and glean something from it.

Where is it I want to be? What is it I want to be doing? I see myself interacting with all the other people in the world that wish nothing but to create a fair harmonious world for everyone. I see us talking about the issues we face and discussing multiple ways to solve them, coming to an agreement at the most efficient answers.

I see myself talking to rooms full of people. Talking about how I came to be in this state, hearing how they as well have experienced it, hearing all the blockages they experience when trying to return to that state, and myself and others giving advice and sharing perspectives suggesting how they too might be able to overcome their setbacks.

To get there I see myself telling my story, but when I make attempts at doing so I often don't know where or how to start. And when I do begin I'll talk about it from an outside perspective where I am not attached to the life I lived and I'll eventually move effortlessly into a space where I no longer have the desire to share my story. I think sometimes that interaction is necessary for me. When I have a conversation with someone I become fuelled by their desires to hear me and I can speak about many aspects of my own life and just life in general for very long periods of time. But when I write to myself or speak to myself I tend to lack direction. When interacting with individuals I get to see what it is they want to know and my consciousness has purpose, it has task.

I've said all this and everything I mean to say so many times in so many different ways, and in a way that will never change. The message is always the same. The message that I received years ago when I abandoned myself, the self that I had created, and then recognized the true self behind the charade. That message is simple, all things, all beings, all interactions are made of the same things. There is nothing separate, nothing that isn't of this infinite field of awareness and consciousness.

We as humans are made up of the materials that were forged in the furnaces that exist in the core of every star. Those materials are made up of atoms, which are electrons(particles of light with particular direction and velocity) and protons and neutrons which are relatively solid particles that are built of even smaller things. Those things are quarks, which they too are just excitations in infinite fields made of light or energy. Solid things aren't actually solid, when we touch something, the electrons spinning around the atoms in our fingers are interacting with the electrons spinning around the atoms of the things we touch, it is a magnetic force. There is no true solid. The electron orbit or vibration pattern is out of phase with the pattern or vibration with the thing we touch so they repel each other. There is no ground or foundation, only relatively. The deeper we dig, the further we penetrate we see that there is no floor. Everything goes on forever, deep down into the workings of a quark is the energy that is another universe. And out to the edges of our universe is the shell of another quark.

If I were to start today sprinkling this awareness of things into the network of connection that binds the majority of the world together, how would I start? What would I say? I am attracted to the Twitter platform because of its simplicity and conciseness. I could begin with just “We are all One”. Or “Truth and Love, you can't have one without the other.” There's always reluctance to do things like this. I've addressed all that reluctance at some point and have come to conclusions to why they are not needed. Am I ready to speak to the world, am I ready to have the world speak to me? Will I lose anything as a result? The answer is No.