Awareness

I intended to write something today whereas it is part of my schedule, but the great thing about being free to design my own schedule I can choose how to follow it. The schedule says create, so at first I started writing and I never got far before I started playing guitar. When I did write I began talking about awareness. All we are is an awareness, everyone of us. A conglomerate of awareness if you will. All of our senses could be perceived as separate awarenesses, then there is our thoughts and our emotions, and our inner sensations(although I suppose that could be categorized under the sense of touch).

In order to speak to my higher self, that is the ultimate awareness, I have to be silent and be in silence, I'm not saying that that is the only way but it does create a conducive environment to facilitate it. If I put on music I immediately get sucked into it and start enjoying it, and that becomes my brain's thing to do for the moment, get into the music, don't think about anything else, or just think about distracting things related to that experience. But when I offer my consciousness nothing, no stimulation, I leave it no choice but to entertain itself and in entertaining itself it makes it easier to observe my ego structure at work. What it's thinking about and why, what does it want; because it always wants, it's always searching. In awareness you can observe the wants and in observing you can understand them and have the ability to discard them or just keep them at bay with no control bestowed to them. Our consciousness is an ongoing battle or balancing rather between desires and fears, each fighting for control of the body and awareness. Each fear and desire wants to be acknowledged, wants attention paid to it so it seems real to itself and then eventually the entire consciousness. If we become aware of all wants and desires then we can decide which ones if any are granted control of the vessel as a whole.

A thought is born in my mind and I begin to write about it and it can take so many different directions that once I find myself at one example, the example gets played out and explained and then the direction is lost; a single point is made, and from there there's no real way to determine to which point to go next. It has to flow naturally or it's not worth writing. This happens to me all too often and I guess it's because I'm not used to taking the time to plan out and convey an entire idea in essay form. I get an idea in my mind like a flash, I understand it as a whole concept and immediately my consciousness relates something intelligible to it so I can explain it to myself and to anyone else necessary. Words and symbols get thrown at it so it gets solidified, it gets a life in my consciousness, and when it gets a life it becomes rememberable and repeatable but then the original image or concept or idea is lost and the constructed set of symbols describing only the one idea hoards all the awareness to keep itself alive and the free flow of thinking and imagination is retarded. This is what I describe as "losing my train of thought".

If I do only that which serves god then I will retain my awareness. When I begin to serve Mike(my personal fears and desires) I begin to become Mike and all his neuroses come with it. They get weaker the more time I spend serving god so over time if I continue my practice I will only serve god, it will be the only thing left to do. Mike gets a lot of attention still, but for the most part his fears and desires tend to coincide with serving god, even if it is for the purpose of ego as well, to pat himself on the back for serving. His distractions, his habits, the things that keep him busy, the things that he uses to occupy his mind so he isn't fully conscious and aware, the things he uses to get a quick rush of emotion; these things are for the most part these days all things that will bring him closer to god but there are also still patterns or habits that aren't necessarily harmful but don't exactly assist in the journey to unity with god. For example the reason he began to write this paragraph is because he was sitting in silence waiting for something to come to him and his hand began to go towards his face. Mike has this habit of putting his knuckles up to his lips and kind of chewing on them with his lips, he's been doing this for years, and as harmless as it may seem, he uses it as a distraction devise. When he sits in silence too long he wants something to do, something to entertain him, something to occupy his mind so his hands as a matter of habit go towards the face, but in my full awareness I can see this and I bring the hand back down. Resistance to this habit gives the body a slight rush of accomplishment and suddenly there's another motive in place to suck in all this good accomplishment feeling, so it tries to amplify it by repeating it. A small voice or idea occurs that congratulates Mike on the control, so then that idea starts to grow, 'oh Mike you've got such good control, you're a proper yogi or whatever'. This idea, this tooting of his own horn to himself takes him away from the awareness that bestows him with such control. So to continue the example, when I brought the hand back down, after a couple moments the hands connected to one another for the fingers to drum on each other. This is an example of a positive habit that Mike developed, one that coincides with serving, he drums with his fingers practising rhythm and control on his hands so it can be seen as a good method to continue to improve the vessel, but Mike uses this as well as a distraction, so sometimes it's hard for Mike to tell if he is doing something for Mike or for god, whether it be to distract Mike and give him a positive emotion, one that he would obtain from the observing of the self practising rhythm and control on the hands, or to actually sit in practice, to be with god and feel his rhythm and control , to know it and be it, thus spreading it to other parts of the consciousness. When doing it for Mike, for the emotion rush, the emotion rush becomes the entire experience; focusing in on this one operation limits awareness; but doing it and still being aware of every aspect of it as well of everything else available to the experience, that is being in the presence of god. Uniting with him/her/it.

Mike keeps thinking about how back when he as a self serving ego structure was completely in control and only serving himself, the phrase 'serving god' would have been disconcerting to him. He would have immediately dismissed what "this" person is trying to say because Mike would have dubbed him a naive Christian that doesn't consider things fully before deciding whether they are true, someone who is willing to believe in fantasy. So therefore to Mike this whole piece would be irrelevant just because of the use of the word god. So current Mike wants to remedy that possible perspective by explaining what he means by serving god. Well see to do that we would have to branch off into a plethora of different explanations, in order to explain anything fully, everything must be explained. But let's give it a go, just for fun; first of all god is not a singular man in the clouds that oversees us all. Actually who am I to say what god is not. God is everything, he/she/it can be whatever you want it to be, if you believe god is a man in the clouds then when you communicate with god he will be a man in the clouds with a beard and a robe. But what god is entirely is all the energy that is the universe. He is the energy that makes up everything, there is nothing that isn't god. So when we serve god we serve everyone and everything. In order to do that we must start with the god that is closest in proximity to us, which would be our own vessel, the only one in which we have the right to govern. We have control over our vessels so we must treat them like gods. God would be the most healthy, the most educated, the most understanding, the most attentive and aware, the most empathetic, the most forgiving, the most powerful, the most just, the most trusting, and the most fair. So in serving god we are bettering ourselves, and also in bettering ourselves we are making ourselves more well equipped to serve others as they desire it. Serve them however you would serve yourself; feed them, teach them, facilitate their understanding, pay attention to them, forgive them, understand them, love them, love yourself, love everything and everyone. This is how one serves god, this is how one becomes god.