Practice Point

I started this session with what some might call a prayer. Following my meditation I thought about what I am grateful for. I have noticed that I have been asking for things or situations or feelings I want rather than already being grateful for having them, implying in the very asking for them that I am lacking in them. I am grateful for freedom. I am grateful for love. I am grateful for truth. Desire is still a player in my day to day. Saying this is not to deny myself of what could be, but simply being aware of my current state so I can refine my state to accept and appreciate that which my higher self desires. Desire is inevitable, it is the cause of creation. I write this as I snack on food that I find to be delicious. It is all “good” food, food that sustains and facilitates a strong healthy balanced body and mind. At the same time I am aware of some attachment to the taste and pleasure that comes along with these eating experiences. In my work life I encounter situations where my attachments are challenged and made aware to me in ways that can be shaking or agitating. I notice that I still deal with this in methods of relief. Consuming food or cannabis to take me away from the state of mind I inhabit when I am in “work mode”. I practice appreciating every moment, even those at work where I feel as if I am not contributing to the evolution of my soul. I know that even those challenges I face at work, those in which I am charged to accept and love those moments the same as my moments of pure joy, are too, grist for the mill. My relationship with my superiors at work are certainly challenging ones. I try to love them as my equals but the stipulations of the institution requires that I don't treat them as equals, but as what they are, my superiors. This is where I can witness dissonance. The challenge is to be truthful with them as well as myself but also submit to what it is they ask of me, even if that involves not being as transparent as I would normally intend. There always comes back that quiet voice in the back of my head that says that this isn't where you should be, but in writing that I am reminded of a quote from the book Conversations With God, “there are no shoulds or shouldn'ts in God's world”. I chose this route, it was something I felt was necessary at a different time in my life, which it may have been, but that doesn't mean it is what is necessary now. A reason I feel it necessary is because I am dependent on it. I am dependent on the money to eat, to pay my debts, and to keep my place of living which is contingent on me working there. There are certain aspects of my job that I am learning from that are obvious, but a lot of it seems monotonous to me, and in those times where I see it this way I immediately begin to think about my potential and the jobs I could be working. And then I think about the concept of a job and how I see the obsolescence of one specific job or task that one must perform and be limited to. I think about how if I wanted to be something more “rewarding” and more in line with the skills I have accumulated and more in line with my intention to free others, most of those ideas would still require that I do something that I don't agree with or I see as futile. Such as, I could be a speaker, I could be a coach, someone to communicate to, someone to open up to and go to for advice. This is where I thrive, this is where I feel “rewarded”. But then I imagine the steps I might need to take. The speakers or coaches or spiritual guides that I have listened to have histories that give them great credentials and definitely influence the amount of people that seek them out. Such as they have psychology degrees, or they have written best selling books. I know I could get a psychology degree, or even write a book that might become a best seller but I am prepared now. I already speak to the people in my life and we have powerful interactions that benefit us both greatly.

I recognize that all this thought comes from a place of fear, of worry or anxiety. The idea that I must prepare, so as to avoid finding myself in a situation where I feel powerless. Even though at my core I know this would not be the case. I know I have the power to face anything and everything. So it's as if I'm sitting here today with the expectation of arriving at some 'should' or 'shouldn't' for my next step and I equally realize its contradictory nature. I know the most effective method to return to the divine or my higher self or whatever, is to be without desire or fear. I said earlier that desire is inevitable, and it is if I am choosing a life of service. A life of action and interaction. In a book I am currently reading called “Expectation Hangover” the author conveyed something new to me that I'm not sure I had considered before, she said, and I'm paraphrasing, that 'having no desire is fine if you just become a monk living in the mountains meditating all day but to operate in this reality and attempt to better it through action, physical action, then desire would be the guide'. But it's important to be able to discern between desire that is of the ego, of fear, and desire that is of the divine, of spirit or God, or simply what is best for all. I understand that if I am to help in the ways I wish, I must first start with my own well being, I require sustenance and stability so I can be well equipped to help others to obtain the same so they too can be free.

I've been reading the books I've been reading lately, such as Expectation Hangover, Zero Limits, and The War Of Art to help me see new and more powerful ways to help me get out of my own way. A friend recently pointed out to me that I seem to go through a cycle where I build and build and when I seem to arrive at a point where I am ready to jump to the next level something happens that destroys that which I have built, putting me back at step one. He was right in a lot of ways, and I have noticed this myself, subtly. But I guess I wasn't sure what I needed to be doing differently in order to prevent it so I wasn't fully addressing it. All that comes to mind in this moment is that I practice more awareness and recognize my fears, which I have been finding more effective methods to do so. I am improving still all the time. All of this is part of the improvement, part of the process. Addressing these fears is the first step to diminishing these fears. I often think about how I've been through all this for years now, over three since I first “saw the light” and saw beyond the mental structure that controlled me, saw beyond my ego or my habits and patterns and understood actual truth and yet I still face these challenges, and sometimes I react in a negative way. I think to myself that I should have it mastered by now, even though this too is something that I have realized is not based on truth, but something that is borne of fear. I know that this is a life journey. A constant process. I will never stop learning or refining what I know. It takes practice, and life is practice. Not to meet an ends but to practice itself is the point.