Loaded Truth

So what now? I've rolled truth again. I've thought about renaming it reflection, as if the name actually matters. But as I've mentioned before the word truth has become somewhat loaded for me. I've said it so many times to so many people and in so many writings that I've often had the reaction of seeing the arrogance of it as if to say “I KNOW the truth” is pretentious. But I do know it, there's no denying that anymore. I'll deny it for moments, in moments of ego but when I let all that go it is shown to me again and again how simple it all is. And how simply I know it. I've thought of using the word reflection because as of lately that's what I've been doing when I roll truth and begin to write. I reflect on what I feel or think in that moment, what I might have experienced that day or just in the recent past. I am reflecting on what is happening. I tend to want to avoid the word truth because a part of me doesn't want to scare anyone anyway. I want to speak in a way that is undeniable. Again we come back to the idea of being read. I suppose that is a natural consequence of my patterns if I am making myself someone to be heard. I tell myself to write to myself but there is a knowledge that if I do that effectively then it will resonate with others as well and when that idea comes to mind it begins to influence in a way what is being said.

This inhibition to use the word truth comes from ego, that is obvious to me. I become worried that others may view it as ego in me, that they'll hear me use that word and think I identify with it, as if I am superior for knowing it. But the truth that I am a proponent of is that there is no separation. I am not superior, I cannot be, there is no such thing as actual superiority in value. This is not my truth, it's not like I have it and others don't and they must learn it from me. Everyone has it. The truth is that there is no I, there is no me. I am an unfolding of truth through words. Everyone is also an unfolding of truth through different expressions. I always recoil when I speak to people in general conversation and they ask me what I do with my free time and I tell them I write, I read, I meditate, I exercise, I practice. They ask me what I write and I say that I write a variety of things, I have a list of things that include my autobiography, a manga, short stories, the truth, and a novel; and I roll a dice to see which one to write that day. When I tell them that I write the truth I'll often say something like “what I see to be the truth” or “what makes sense to me”. I want to use these words so I don't distance myself from them. If I say that I just write the truth, the pompousness of that statement has the potential to disconnect me from them, whereas in saying something like “I write what makes sense to me” there is no superiority inherent in the statement and they may be more intrigued and ask more questions.

Although I don't impose what I know on anyone, I deliver what they ask of me in a way that is enticing, in a way that will have them asking more questions. I do this because I have given myself a purpose. The purpose of illuminating, of liberating others. This kind of talk I sometimes am deterred from as well because of the potential superiority in it, to claim that I have the power to illuminate or liberate will push some people away from inquiring more. But I do have that power, and so does everyone else. I feel as if I have to stress that there is nothing special about me, nothing unique in that I can do something others can't. What I claim is that all these things I claim I can do, I also claim that everyone else can do too. I just happen to see it, and if others wish to see it then they will as well.

I fear the separation I guess. Well not always of course, only in moments when I am called to act, to respond to someone’s inquiries. And it also depends on the person. I respond differently to different people, I still speak what I can of the truth but the delivery is different, the packaging, because everyone has a different language, a different way of communicating, a different way of understanding everything. And I have been tuned to see these different ways, I have always been very perceptive of how others feel and think. I trained myself my whole life to please everyone and make everyone feel comfortable so I learned to see them deeply, so I could interact in ways that would be acceptable to them, so I would be acceptable to them. This tendency that I developed throughout my life is now my tool I use to communicate what I understand. The challenge is disconnecting that tool from my ego, that tool was built with fear and anxiety. And now I must use it with love, peace, and acceptance. I mustn't be attached to the liberation of others, I must work for it, but I must not cling to the outcome of whether or not it happens.