Reluctance

Throughout my days I almost always consistently have in the back of my head the compulsion to write, which is just reflective of my compulsion to share. Share that which I've discovered, or remembered. I'm reaching a point where I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea of sharing myself or my life with the world. Making it available. Almost four years ago I came to a point in my life where a major change was necessary. I had been trying to be happy or find happiness virtually my entire existence. My idea of happiness was being in a state of contentment, without fear, without question. Having everything I wanted. I was scared of many things. I was scared of being broke, of having no purpose. I was scared of what others thought of me, especially the people in my life. The people I admired and desired.

I'm seeing a desire in this moment now to change my level of consciousness by ingesting cannabis and observing how I write. I tend to be in a more profound state of freedom on cannabis. I am more capable of writing without purpose which allows for more honest writing. I feel like if each one of has a purpose then my purpose is to share my honesty. I feel like I am to be a speaker, a voice for the knowledge and experience that I've observed so far in this life. My desire is to be without desire and yet I have the desire to free everyone and everything from suffering, from the illusion of separation that causes suffering. I feel like it is the only thing to do, I don't and couldn't feel the contentment or happiness or the lack of fear which I know I am capable of if I am to remain using my awareness to combat my fears. To do things such as work jobs that I am only doing for money and offer no more spiritual or mental benefits. And yet I know that everything I do is perfect, and necessary for me to learn what it is I need to learn, which is everything, there is no knowledge that I reject. I accept and welcome all truths. I am at a point where I feel an impending major change. In the physical realm, mostly regarding how I spend the majority of my time which now is going to a job where I am required to do tasks for an organization that I deem to be obsolete and ideally would be phasing itself out of existence. I know that we can live in a world where the exchange of currency isn't necessary. Where reward for action is the action itself. All action would be holy. I want to contribute to creating a world where everyone is free to express their true selves in whatever form that may be. Given that I have this desire I often experience thoughts and feelings indicating how this could be done. I see countless avenues to achieve this and yet I very rarely seem to attach to one avenue long enough to bring it to fruition. Writing is one I always go back to because it is one that I have been practising since the day I woke up. It is one that I felt charged to carry out from the very first moments of my freedom. I often considered the possibility of becoming a speaker, rather than a writer, someone who uses one's own voice and being to relay the message but that option came with many fears. Fears of how I would be seen and judged, but more prominently how my family and friends would be affected by my choices. So I gravitated much more towards writing because in writing I could remain anonymous. And this option also really appealed to me because I felt that the information I had been given was powerful enough in itself, and to attach it to my face, my personality, or my voice would limit its power. I very quickly realized when I learned the truth that it was not my truth, it was objective. It was the truth that any and all beings have the ability to see. The last thing that I wanted to do was promote myself as a person, I felt I had been sent here or chose to come here with a message and that message needed to be relayed and the more I myself identified with it the more distorted it had the potential to become. Still I write to this day with the possibility in mind that this may be read by many and interpreted in a plethora of different ways but I believe it necessary now to use that possibility as a tool to create. If I didn't imagine anyone ever reading it then what I am writing wouldn't possess the clarity and brevity of a piece of writing that had a reader in mind.

I see a great dualism in my desires, I want to share my message with the world but I want the option of anonymity. I want to be understood, accepted, loved and appreciated; but I want it to be known that I am no more special or deserving of love or acceptance than anyone else. I want all these things and yet I want to be free of wanting. Statements such as that remind me of how the universe is full of paradoxes. To have it all you have to give it all up. I've been to the state of mind or space in mind where wanting doesn't exist, and there is nothing to do. Desire connects us to the material world, to realms heavier in vibration than the infinite where no characteristics or properties exist.

I often write with the intention of writing something that will free me from my current state. The state where I feel it necessary to partake in the competition, of gaining something in relation to someone else losing something. I fantasize about something I created reaching so many people and having such a tremendous impact that I would be boosted up to a level where I am spending my time working on creating a harmonious place to exist for all with the people who have the same objective in mind and too have no interest in themselves or their own personal gains. My personal gains now are synonymous with the gains of all.

I've opened the door to the possibility of creating an online presence, putting out there tidbits of knowledge and wisdom for anyone to read and glean something from it.

Where is it I want to be? What is it I want to be doing? I see myself interacting with all the other people in the world that wish nothing but to create a fair harmonious world for everyone. I see us talking about the issues we face and discussing multiple ways to solve them, coming to an agreement at the most efficient answers.

I see myself talking to rooms full of people. Talking about how I came to be in this state, hearing how they as well have experienced it, hearing all the blockages they experience when trying to return to that state, and myself and others giving advice and sharing perspectives suggesting how they too might be able to overcome their setbacks.

To get there I see myself telling my story, but when I make attempts at doing so I often don't know where or how to start. And when I do begin I'll talk about it from an outside perspective where I am not attached to the life I lived and I'll eventually move effortlessly into a space where I no longer have the desire to share my story. I think sometimes that interaction is necessary for me. When I have a conversation with someone I become fuelled by their desires to hear me and I can speak about many aspects of my own life and just life in general for very long periods of time. But when I write to myself or speak to myself I tend to lack direction. When interacting with individuals I get to see what it is they want to know and my consciousness has purpose, it has task.

I've said all this and everything I mean to say so many times in so many different ways, and in a way that will never change. The message is always the same. The message that I received years ago when I abandoned myself, the self that I had created, and then recognized the true self behind the charade. That message is simple, all things, all beings, all interactions are made of the same things. There is nothing separate, nothing that isn't of this infinite field of awareness and consciousness.

We as humans are made up of the materials that were forged in the furnaces that exist in the core of every star. Those materials are made up of atoms, which are electrons(particles of light with particular direction and velocity) and protons and neutrons which are relatively solid particles that are built of even smaller things. Those things are quarks, which they too are just excitations in infinite fields made of light or energy. Solid things aren't actually solid, when we touch something, the electrons spinning around the atoms in our fingers are interacting with the electrons spinning around the atoms of the things we touch, it is a magnetic force. There is no true solid. The electron orbit or vibration pattern is out of phase with the pattern or vibration with the thing we touch so they repel each other. There is no ground or foundation, only relatively. The deeper we dig, the further we penetrate we see that there is no floor. Everything goes on forever, deep down into the workings of a quark is the energy that is another universe. And out to the edges of our universe is the shell of another quark.

If I were to start today sprinkling this awareness of things into the network of connection that binds the majority of the world together, how would I start? What would I say? I am attracted to the Twitter platform because of its simplicity and conciseness. I could begin with just “We are all One”. Or “Truth and Love, you can't have one without the other.” There's always reluctance to do things like this. I've addressed all that reluctance at some point and have come to conclusions to why they are not needed. Am I ready to speak to the world, am I ready to have the world speak to me? Will I lose anything as a result? The answer is No.